CSS Crap Games Competition 2007
http://www.unsatisfactorysoftware.co.uk/?pg=cgc2007

Intro
-----
So, welcome to the CSSCGC 2007. As usual, it's been a collection of
absolute bollocks. With up to 41 entries (one or two of which were quite
playable) we had our work cut out, literally spending all day playing crap
games. That is time which we're never going to see again, so we hope you're
all satisfied. We have of course approached the task of reviewing these
games with a healthy dose of cynicism - probably more so than previous
years - so some may deem the reviews quite harsh. Well, it's no less than
you all deserve. In fact, we reckon some of you have got off quite lightly.
So without further ado, here is how you've all chosen to waste your time:


a3dm/ad3dmaze.p - Advanced 3D Maze by Andy Rea

Dear Trading Standards,
Please find enclosed a tape containing a game sent to us for the zx81
entitled "Advanced 3D Maze." We are submitting it to yourselves because we
believe that it is in clear breach of the Trades Descriptions Act (1968),
being as it is neither advanced nor in 3D. In fact it cannot even claim to
be isometric, as it is merely a series of lines on a screen. Similarly, as
it describes itself as a 'Maze' game, it is also in breach of the Property
Misdescriptions Act, as upon playing said game we discovered that the
'walls' have no relevance to the 'Maze' as it is possible to move straight
through them, thus making it not even an accurate representation of any
kind of maze. We trust that the author, Mr. A. Rea, will be hearing from
you soon, and will therefore instruct him to recall all sold copies and
cease further distribution. Yours,
Unsatisfactory Software

dog/Dog11.z80 - Deluxe Greyhound Racing Simulator v1.01 by Andrew Blood

The promise of a dog racing simulator, as dictated by the text file,
sounded, well, promising. After all, who wouldn't want to recreate a night
out at the dogs at Walthamstow, or Romford? We fired it up with
anticipation. Even the loading screen looked great (once we'd located it in
a separate file). We picked the track and got our readies out, eager to
place our bets. We picked the dog... And they're off! Eh? When do you place
your bets, exactly? D-

hatcatch/hat128.tzx - Hat Catch by Michael Wihlborg

"I hope you won't enjoy it," says the author. Well, this is after all the
CSSCGC, so we probably won't. The game sounded promising - help Mr Hat
catch his hat, almost like one of those Game & Watch games from the 80s.
How wrong we were. It's basically guess the number. A 'hat' graphic
would've been nice, but, as it stands, it could be anything that Mr Hat is
catching. Well, anything red and vaguely quadrilateral (if you squint) - a
fire extinguisher, a block of edam cheese, a postbox - even an old
telephone box. Mr Hat isn't even rendered as a man. He's a yellow square.
The game might as well be titled, "Position A Skip Under A Falling Red
Crate Of Crap."

horse117/horse117.z80 - Deluxe Horse Racing Simulator v1.17 by Andrew Blood

Andrew Blood submitted his Dog Racing Simulator (Dog11.z80) along with
this, a horse racing simulator in a similar vein (well, it's identical).
Andrew, if you think churning out the same stuff and hope that nobody
notices the difference, then congratulations - you're well on the way to a
career with Electronic Arts, working on their FIFA Soccer series of games.

jsb/Jet Set Bulimic.tap - Jet Set Bulimic by DrUnKeN mAsTeR

We instantly knew what to expect from this submission - a rip-off of Jet
Set Willy, as annual tradition should dictate. The aim is to eat as 256
cheeseburgers (or '200' as the instruction suggests.... ?) and then vomit
them all up again down the toilet (which didn't work). The instructions
didn't say anything about the third screen, and the sprite getting stuck
when we got to the bed area. So unfortunately we couldn't finish it.
Verdict: Crap.

lightsout/lightsout.p - Lights Out by Andy Rea

Another ZX81 game from Andrew Rea. It's a version of the old Tiger
Electronics puzzle and... it's pretty good. Move the cursor to turn the
lights on and off, and it'll also turn off the 4 lights around it. It's
written in Assembler (source code provided!) and there's not actually
anything bad about it. Andrew has clearly submitted this to the wrong
competition. Sorry Andrew - you're not going to win a Crap Games
Competition with *good entries.*

lost/lost.z80 - Lost by Ben Rapier

This year's first TV tie-in to be reviewed, Lost had us in suspense. We
were looking forward to re-enacting the adventures on the mysterious island
of The Doctor Bloke, That Woman Who Did Time For Drink Driving, Hurley and
Geoffrey Out Of Hetty Wainthrop Investigates. Imagine our disappointment
when we discovered it was a mere text adventure, with only one command -
enter the bloody numbers before the timer runs out. if you don't know what
they are, just do a search for "Lost" and "Numbers." Entering anything else
will cause you to lose the game. What's brilliant about Lost is the lack of
testing that's gone into it - if you let the timer run out, well we won't
spoil the surprise. Coming soon - Lost 2, in which you have to enter the
entire text of the Flann O'Brien novel *The Third Policeman* before the end
of the century. Without typos.

maxwell/maxwell.tap - Maxwell's Demon by Stuart Naylor

Not so much a game as a physics simulation masquerading as a game,
*Maxwell's Demon* is more of an "edutainment" product. Not sure there's
much "Edu" involved though - we've got both Physics and Maths A-Levels and
a Computer Engineering degree and we still have no idea what's going on.
And while we're at it, there's not much "tainment" in evidence either -
holding down the space bar to let a pixel across the screen does not a game
make.

turtles1/turtles-part1.z80 - Turtles Part 1 by Rickard Berglind

One of the best entries so far, and the only entry to seemingly feature
it's own DRM in the source code (a LIST command brings up what appears to
be jibberish and/or hieroglyphics). You play one of the eponymous ninja
turtles - it doesn't matter which one - and must defend his home, which is
now seemingly somewhere out in the countryside as opposed to the New York
City sewers. It's indicative of the impact that shows like *A Place In The
Sun* and *Build a New Life in the Country* have when our Crap Games are
taking cues from them. Gameplay-wise, it's fairly straightforward - it's of
the one key variety, and there's only one move, "Stab," with the controls
helpfully emblazoned on the bottom of the screen in large type. Apparently
this game was 20 years in the making (19 3/4 of those in the loft. And
giving it 1/4 of a year is generous) and it shows; however, it's still
better than tat like Daikatana.

turtles2/turtles-part2.z80 - Turtles Part 2 by Rickard Berglind

And so, the sequel. And it's not half bad, certainly one of the better crap
games we've played so far. It's a spin on the old Frogger games - cross the
river to get the diving gear (we all remember that in Frogger), and then
dive down to get the treasure, past one of the largest baddies ever seen in
a crap game. But therein lies the problem - in which episode of the turtles
did they go looking for sunken treasure? Also screamingly obvious is the
misnomer - why is it called Turtles when there's only one of them? Did the
other three tell him to sod off?

advanced-jetsetwilly-guardian-simulator.z80 - Advanced Jet Set Willy
Guardian Simulator by Rickard Berglind

Another rip-off of Jet Set Willy, but with a twist - you play one of the
weird objects (called "The Guardian") that patrol the house, in this case,
The Top Landing. Your aim is to move back and forth and stop Miner Willy
when he appears, which he will do when you are going the other direction.
If he gets past, you won't see him for toffee. The only reasonable course
of action is therefore to reset the Spectrum. Crap!

Atak pajakow (Spider Attack) 1.tzx - Atak Pajakow (Spider Attack) 1 by
Daniel Gromann

Wow. Another game straight from the 80s (although the green and black
colour scheme makes it look like the 70s), spider Attack has the added
challenge of being all in Polish, although the author has kindly provided a
translation. Once again, what we have here is a Frogger clone, with spiders
(we all remember those in Frogger). Rather helpfully, one of the controls
resets the Spectrum - the control you'll be using most, no doubt.

Atak pajakow (Spider Attack) 2.tzx - Atak Pajakow (Spider Attack) 2 by
Daniel Gromann

Spider Attack 2 follows on (presumably) from the events of Spider Attack 1.
Our hero (if you can call a man escaping some attacking spiders which
aren't, er, attacking, by running away, a hero) has made it safely home.
Now you have to make use of your installed "arrow launcher" (a popular home
defence system in 1940s Poland, one presumes) to fight off the spiders. And
that's about it, really. There's only really one key - Fire. Oh, and one to
reset the spectrum again.

bfast.tzx - Bed and Breakfast by Paul E Collins

Bed and Breakfast appears, by all accounts, to be an accurate simulation of
running a B&B. A poor B&B at that, but a B&B nonetheless. Gameplay involves
remembering the breakfast orders for all of your guests, who all happen to
come down for breakfast at exactly the same time. It's the speccy
equivalent of those games you used to play at 6th birthday parties, where
your friend's mum brings out a tray with a load of random household items
on it, covered with a teatowel, and whoever remembers the most wins. There
don't seem to be any winners from playing this, though - only losers.

chh.tap - Chesney Hawkes' Celebrity Digital Higher or Lower Simulator by
Gavin Callard

Christ. Chesney Hawkes' Celebrity Digital Higher Or Lower Simulator, to
give it it's full title, does exactly what it says on the tin. A
cyan-rendered image (which takes bloody ages to generate) of the mid-90s
popster guides you through what is effectively a round of Play Your Cards
Right without the cards. Place your bets, and then guess whether one number
is higher than another. And that's it. Well, at least it didn't crash. The
less said the better.

CrapCastleMaster2.tap - Crap Castle Master 2 by Anthony Lycett

Well, at least it's an honest title. To be fair, A.L. Graphics' effort is
technically competent - the wireframe castle is fairly impressive (and who
knows, maybe historically accurate). The main problem with the game is that
I don't know anyone who's got enough time on their hands to play it. Even
the bloke outside the shopping centre selling the Big Issue is too busy to
dedicate enough time to what is, in effect, watching a fictional castle
being drawn (or indeed, watching paint dry. which maybe preferable). 95%
for effort, 0.1% for gameplay. Except it actually only a deserves 5% for
effort, being as it is a rip-off of the previous Crap Castle Master
attempt.

Darwin.tap - Where In The World Is John Darwin? by Malthadius Zoff

One of the better of this year's entries, Where In The World Is John Darwin
("Can-oe find him?") proves also to be one of the most topical, and also
original (alright, maybe not). But it is fun, one of the most vital
elements of a crap game. You travel the world investigating the case of
canoe enthusiast and alleged international fraudster John Darwin (within
the budget of the local police authority). Is he in Rome? Is he in Fucking
Austria? Who knows? Only you will find out, as you travel the continents in
search of clues. The only thing that stands in your way is time - crack the
case before time runs out and you'll bag yourself a promotion and hefty
bonus. And a nice tan. If not, your wife will leave you and you're off the
case! Cripes!

dd.tap - Dobsonic Defendor (Gold Edition) by David Mackenzie

Dobsonic Defendor describes itself as a "thrilling shoot-em-up with over 4
weapons." That's probably one of the most accurate descriptions issued to
any of the crap games on offer this year. Taking it's cues from Space
Invaders, you control your craft, the Dobsonic Defendor, with the O and P
keys, and Space to fire. It's deceptively simple, and yet the depth and
attention to detail is stunning. B+.

Desant (Landing Operation).tzx - Desant (Landing Operation) by Daniel and
Krystyna Gromann

Another Polish entry from Daniel Gromann (with his mum on this effort).
Rather touchingly, the opening screen has a poem relating to parachutists.
In the instructions/translation, Daniel says, "This poem itself should give
me victory in the Crap Games Compo!" Don't be too sure Daniel - this is a
crap games compo, not a crap poetry compo. We'll leave that to Tom Paulin
on Newsnight Review. As for the game itself - it's a crap-games standard
Game & Watch knock-off, a bit like "Hat Catch" but with more Gameplay; you
can actually move the ship to catch the parachutists left and right. And
the sprites actually look like what they're meant to be. Furthermore, the
game reiterates it's crapness credentials by not having the ability to get
back to the main title screen and, even better, even the author isn't sure
if it's possible. Daniel, your game is crap. And I'm sure that's exactly
what you wanted to hear.

evel.tzx - Evel Knievel One-Liner Bus Jumping by Digital Prawn

Evel Knievel One-Liner Bus Jumping is billed as a "mini-homage to the
stuntman," mini being the operative word - coded in just one line of
(incomprehensible) BASIC, the game sees you trying to jump over increasing
numbers of red buses, which is achieved by basically bashing random keys of
your choice - the concept behind it is pretty good, but the implementation
is crap - random keys? See what we did there? The review above was only one
line.

golden.p - The Quest For The Golden Egg by Digital Prawn

Man, this is one of the worst games I've ever played - and I've played Rise
Of The Robots. Quest For The Golden Egg is effectively an attempt to locate
an egg based on a set of X,Y coordinates - it wants to be an arcade/RPG
adventure, but it would be more at home on an Excel Spreadsheet. It could
work as a text adventure, but, erm, it isn't one. Play at your peril. The
instructions state, "Here the real enemy is existensial despair." You'll
face this just by typing LOAD"". You have been warned.

handbags.tap - handbags.tap by A.J.Moss

Interesting. This is what seems to be some sort of postmodern text
adventure. Except it's not - it's much more than that and yet so much less
at the same time. The game - if you can call it that - sees you writing a
crap game for the crap games competition - *this year's* crap games
competition, no less - on the day of submission, and the HitchHiker's Guide
To The Galaxy has just started on BBC2. The crux of it is effectively a
BASIC IDE, with no funtionality whatsoever. When you've entered the code,
type "SAVE" and email your .tap off as soon as possible. But be quick -
you've only got 50 minutes left! In terms of gameplay? Well, obviously,
there's none whatsoever. D-.

haunted-house.z80 - Haunted House by Rickard Berglind

This one's billed as a "Multi-screen arcade adventure." At first it sounded
impressive, until we actually played it. There's only two screens, and one
of those is only attainable at the point of your character's inevitable
death? Why inevitable? Because the controls don't work. The "Jump" action
appears to be non-existant, despite being referenced in the documentation.
The documentation also states, "A not completely finished game from
mid-80's" which, in addition to being quite non-specific, is appalling.
Calvin Harris sang, "It was acceptable in the 80s." How wrong he was.

hittheroad.tap - Hit The Road by Quique Llarķa

A first for the crap games compo, as this is the first to feature a
'Karaoke' option. Unfortunately, this is not only the best part of the
game, but it's also as tuneless as any X-Factor entrant (expect to see the
title song, "Hit the Road," on next year's Britain's Got Talent). The game
itself sees you, as some ASBO-afflicted teenage yob, dropping rocks onto
cars from a flyover. Despite the level of social commentary on show, the
game as a whole is let down by a) the graphics appear to have been drawn by
a five-year-old and b) the gameplay is non-existant. It's as random as a
Hat Catch, or better still, Chesney Hawks' Number Guessing Bollocks.

killer.tzx - Killer Colours by Paul E Collins

OK, this is a load of arse, but we weren't expecting any better, to be
honest. It's basically "Simon Says" with coloured squares, crossed with
Twister. To be fair though, the title is pretty good.

m25.tzx - Outrun: M25 Edition by Andrew Owen

Or, Outrun:M25 Edition, to give it it's full title. From what we've seen so
far, it's pretty realistic, and definitely recreates driving on the M25.
The only missing option is that of bibbing your horn, really (oo-er). It's
also the only game here to sensibly come with a health warning, which the
author insists you read first. This can only score it more points, as far
as we're concerned. Which is more than it deserves.

Outplay_128.tzx - OutPlay_128 by Chris Born

Man, those crazy Dutch, man, with their Hash Brownies, and whore-ridden
waterways. This isn't so much a game, as, well, it's not one at all. It
came with no instructions, and the email just said (paraphrasing) "It won't
just crap, or will it?" Well, yes it will, and it has. It seems to be some
sort of music tracker program, but we can't even be sure. How can you
review something when you don't even know what it is? You don't see Barry
Norman go along to the cinema, only to find he's not reviewing a film, but
some obscure live-on-stage Eastern European Dance/Mime act, do you?

pw.tap - Pilot Wings 48 by Nathan Cross

One of the SNES' most memorable games, Pilotwings, has now made it's way to
the spectrum, where it's not quite so memorable. It is however a faithful
representation of the gameplay - stage 1 sees you guiding a parachutist
(and we all remember that bit in Frogger, as it might as well be Frogger)
onto a target, whereas stage 2 involves flying a crudely rendered bi-plane
through a series of rings (or in the 48k version, blocks). Finally, there
is a jetpack stage. And that's it. We completed it in about 5 minutes, on
our 2nd attempt. It's still one of the better conversions here.

Remmy.z80 - Remmy, The First Part by Rickard Berglind

Apparently, this is one of Rickard Berglind's finished games. I hate to
imagine what one of his unfinished games would be like. Oh wait - we
already played *Haunted House*. You have to give him top marks for trying
though. This one is a Ghouls 'n' Ghosts / Ghosts 'n' Goblins clone (and it
*really* doesn't matter which one - it might be a Ghostbusters clone for
all we know). Gameplay is at a bare minimum - we've left it running in the
background for 10 minutes now and nothing's happened, despite there being
at least one "daemon" on screen. It's even got that excellent bug, which
should be a pre-requisite of all crap games, where the controls reverse
when you hit the left-hand side of the screen. Nice FMV intro, though.

ShaveRicksBeard.tzx - Shave Rick's Beard by Chris Walsh

A pretty good effort from Chris Walsh, the only downside being his
patent-pending Thin Screen (TM) technology, which basically requires you to
put your telly on it's side, which is far from convenient, to be honest.
Especially if it's a 50-inch plasma mounted on the wall (although everyone
we know who's got one has a speccy hooked up to it, controlling the array
of digital boxes and recording gear). The game itself is pretty good, with
accurate skill levels (unlike other spider-based Polish games we could
mention, the selection isn't totally arbitrary). Otherwise, not bad.
Although you need to make your mind up if it's Dave or Rick who is the
centre-piece.

shooting-training.z80 - Shooting Training Part 1 by Rickard Berglind

Another "unfinished" entry from Rickard Berglind, although, *Turtles*
aside, it's his most complete looking effort, which speaks volumes about
his other games. As should be the case with crap games, both the controls
and gameplay are simple. Maybe in this case a little bit too simple.
Actually, it's major downfall is that it's not a light gun game. It would
beat the shit out of *Bullseye* any day.

SLP.tap - Slippery Feet 2000 by Gavin Callard

A strange little puzzle game, this. Strange, in that the concept and
thought behind it is pretty good. The execution though,is bloody awful. I'd
be compelled to play it further if it weren't for the fact that you have to
wait a month for the controls to register, and then ages still for the
sprites to move. It's your standard Q-A-O-P controls, and wherever your
little feller goes (fnar!) the ghost follows - even if you are squashed up
against a wall. Oh, and the instructions say to watch out for bombs -
shouldn't be too difficult, as we've played through the game (so you don't
have to!) and it appears that there aren't any. C#.

stcantw.z80 - Say The Colour And Not The Word by Jamie Percival

Say The Colour And Not The Word. Well, it's not as bad as Quest for The
Golden Egg, although that's not saying much. Losing a limb in some sort of
industrial accident isn't as bad as playing Quest For The Golden Egg. But
we digress. The problem with STCANTW is that it really isn't computer game
material - at best it should be at home on ITV's "Make Your Play"
overnight-phone-scam-quiz. It has an option of one or two-player mode,
although it's of no consequence really. You could probably say you had 50
players and it'd function in exactly the same way. In fact, we've just
checked, and it does. We now have 50 people crammed round the speccy
shouting random colours, and it's no more fun than playing it on your own.
A poor man's Brain Training. We're off to watch Quiz Call on Channel 5. You
Say, We Pay. £1 million to the regulators, that is.

sudoku.tap - Nazi Sudoku by A.J.Moss

Top marks for tastelessness on this one - Nazi Sudoku where, as opposed to
using the numbers 1-9 in Sudoku, you use the letters A,U,S,C,H,W,I,T and Z.
Control the cursor using 5,6,7 and 8 (for some unfathomable reason) and
enter the letter you think is missing. The logic is competent - proper
error checking and everything, like proper Sudoku on digital teletext. We
don't see any national newspaper picking it up any time soon though. well,
maybe The Sun.

Symantec.tap - Norton by A.J.Moss

We're not entirely sure what this was supposed to be. All we know is it
seemed to be some sort of program which suggested that the speccy had been
"pwned" by a virus, but we couldn't get it to work properly. 10/10 for digs
at Norton though. It would have been more realistic if it just tried to
download endless updates, from a looped C90.

TBC.tzx - The Blind Chicken by deVandemar Croup

Blimey. Blimey O'reilly O'rourke. This is another random-'em-up, perhaps on
a par with Hat Catch. All that is involved is, er pressing any key and see
if your blind chicken can find any grain(?!). It would be worthwhile if the
chicken could see, because then there might be some graphics or gameplay.
But there aren't, so there isn't. The loading screen is more inviting than
the game actually is entertaining, but that's nothing new where crap games
are concerned - that's par for the course. If we're judging each game on
it's merits (or their loading screens), The Blind Chicken will still lose.
It's crap credentials are too crap. Possibly one of the worst and most
boring games. Still, not as bad as *Golden Egg.* At least there's a timer
to tell you how long the agony is going to last. The Blind Chicken? That
Bloody Chicken, more like.

thirdtournament.z80 - Third Tournament by Ivan Kostrub

This one purports to be from the *Unreal Tournament* series. High Hopes,
eh? "Does anyone want to license this brilliant engine?" asks Ivan.
Unlikely, to be honest. Although it does look *a bit* like an FPS. As
knocked-up-in-an-afternoon games go (we assume it was knocked up in an
afternoon, as most of the entries were, albeit afternoons in the 80s) it's
not half-bad. Only 2 eighths-bad. It does resemble 3D Monster Maze on the
ZX81. With Guns. Which is good in anyone's book.

VEL.tap - Velcro Head by Gavin Callard

Why is this called Velcro Head? It sounds like the name of some crap
mid-90s experimental indie band. Oh wait - that's Radiohead we're thinking
of. Although to be fair Radiohead aren't necessarily crap. This game is
however. It's the usual avoid-the-gravity-defying-blocks fare - and you
control an asterisk. As far as we can make out, you get three lives and,
er, that's it. What more can you say? Next!

znapshot-klar.z80 - Znapshot by Rickard Berglind

Eh? Znap Zhot? What the hell does that mean? I can only presume that it's
Swedish for 'Crap Arkanoid clone.' Which makes the name all the more
self-explanatory, as it is a crap Arkanoid clone. What's excellent is that
Rickard's documentation describes the bugs as 'features.' We even found
another 'feature': there are none of those promised, pesky 'power-up'
tokens getting in the way. Instead they're helpfully stored in the
bottom-right hand side of the screen, ready to be collected. Otherwise it's
pretty much as you'd expect: something that vaguely resembles a re-hash of
the 'breakout' game listings in the back of the +2A/+3 manual. It may be a
load of old bobbins, but I suppose at least it's semi-competent bobbins.

zuzzle.tap - Zuzzle Xobble by James Weatherley

This one's a thinly-disguised Puzzle Bobble / Bust-a-move clone, and a
piss-poor one at that. Largely as it doesn't work. All of the essential
features of Puzzle Bobble have yet to be implemented, meaning you are
effectively drawing different coloured circles. And, er, that's it. You
can't win. Or lose. Well, except by playing it. The only way out is to play
it until you get the "Integer Out Of Range" error which, given how slow it
goes, could take several years. Still it's not as slow as Crap Castle
Master 2. The "inlay" says that Bub and Bob - sorry, Zub and Xob - are
invisible. Translation: couldn't be arsed. 10/10 for lack of effort.

zxwire.tap - ZXwire by Chris Young

First off, we'll have to admit to some level of bias here, as ZXWire is an
fully fledged (arf!) Unsatisfactory Software production. Well,
half-fledged. But that doesn't let it off - we wrote it and we know it's
crap. As a conversion of Palm Favourite AckWire, it's something more akin
to someone's end of year accounts - a kind of Monopoly on a spreadsheet, if
you will. Gameplay effectively entails entering some numbers and then
waiting a bit, and then entering some more numbers, during which nobody has
any idea what's going on. Even we don't know what's going on. Summat about
hotels, and shares and that. We forget. In fact, we don't even know what
was in the code *as it was being written.* One or two (probably more)
essential features are still MIA, particularly that of any way of gauging a
winner.


And The Winner Is......

In Reverse order:

3rd Place

Where In The World Is John Darwin?
It's topical, it's entertaining - it has one joke (nay, it *is* one joke)
and above all, it's crap. It could've had more gameplay, with additional
clues based on the other global locations, and Darwin appearing in other
locales, but Zoff couldn't be arsed. We can only admire such laziness in
crap game development.


2nd Place

Nazi Sudoku
This is sure to be a controversial decision, but we stand by it. Not the
game that is - it's quite offensive and nothing to do with us. But you've
got to admire the balls in having the gall to write a game as dull as that,
mixed in with borderline-nazism. No-one would ever buy that - even giving
it away would probably prove to be a challenge. And that in and of itself
makes it crap.


1st place

Surprise Winner:

Dobsonic Defendor

Bad spelling aside, Dobsonic Defendor stood out because although it looks
impressive (like a proper game!) it is in actual fact crap. It's got the
best array of weapons ever seen (James Blunt! We all remember that weapon
in Frogger) on any game (on pretty much any platform). It's also impossible
to lose, has practical controls and pretty good aracde-style graphics. All
that's missing is any kind of entertainment, which makes it very crap,
considering what it could have been.

Special Mentions to:

Maxwell's Demon, for being downright bizarre....
Turtles Pt. 2 (and Rickard's persistence in recovering several crap games
from the 80s)...
Chesney Hawkes Celebrity Digital Higher Or Lower Simulator Or Whatever It's
Called...
Hit The Road, for the Karaoke option (although not the actual game)...
Daniel Gromann's Desant, for featuring poetry, and help from his mum in the
80s...
And everyone else who submitted crap (literally). Sorry all... better luck
next year.

And the losers.....

Everyone, of course! The absolute pits goes to:

(Drum Roll)

Quest For The Golden Egg.
What a waste of time. (Although Hat Catch and Blind Chicken were pretty
dire also. Who the hell is trying to catch a hat anyway?)